“Thanks for the kind words, even after a bad weekend”. Said a client to me recently.
What else was I to do?
See the thing is, typically speaking; you lot are your worst and hardest critics. But does it work? Berating yourself into submission? Criticising ourselves into weight loss? Hating ourselves into putting down the biscuits?
No. It absolutely doesn’t.
So when things go off plan, which they do (a lot), I have two ways in which to respond.
- Be mad that you didn’t follow the plan, the instructions. Tell you how you’ve let yourselves down. Ask you why can’t you just lose weight consistently. Eat well consistently. But you know what you’ve probably already had this conversation with yourself…
- Be a coach. Help you to see what you did that was successful. Help you to see what didn’t work. Importantly why you acted that way. Equip you with tools and know-how, so that next time it happens you have a different response option.
(Sometimes I might issue a bit of tough love. I’m not a melt! I’ll tell you things you need to hear). But it comes from a place of empathy and compassion, not shame and disappointment. There’s a difference!
See, I have one objective. I want to elicit change in you. But I want you to come to it from a place of of self-love, self-knowledge and self-worth
We are our own worst critics.
I do it to myself too. The other day I was talking a friend who is a personal development kind of coach. She said to me “Chris, can you hear yourself talk? Would you talk to your friend like that?” The truth was of course I wouldn’t.
Why then, do we feel it’s OK to verbally beat the shit out of ourselves on a regular basis? I confess I don’t have the answer to that. It’s something I’m working on myself. And I hope I can help you to work on it too…
Here’s some things to try:
– Notice it. This is the first step. When you find you’re entering into negative self talk. Stop and notice it.
– Give it a name. Realise this person talking in your head is harmful and not concerned with your well-being. You might find it helpful to give this person a name. Mine is Angela.
– Replace it. After noticing it. Replace the negative self talk with new commentary. Make sure your commentary is ground in facts and reality.
Angela: Chris, what’s wrong with you? Call that a jump? It’s pathetic. You’re so weak. You’ll never jump 5m at this rate, will you? You may as well eat a mountain of Doritos!
Chris: STFU, Angela. The facts are that I’m faster and stronger than ever. My technique is coming together. This despite a number of set backs this year. So STFU Angela and get back in your box.
Notice I want you to replace it, not just ‘silence” it. Cos silencing it doesn’t actually work as well.
….Yes, I have many conversations in my head!!!…