I’ve been asked this a few times recently. It might be my new haircut or the fact that my growing collection of tattoos has been on display as the weather has finally turned warmer…
Ostensibly, I probably am acting out. But as I frequently remind my husband, I’m not having an affair. Or buying a sports car. Or filing for divorce. So an undercut, a new tattoo or a renewed obsession for metalcore is unharmful, considering…
But it got me thinking.
Am I having a mid-life crisis? And if so, why?
I have a great life: my husband is lovely is not a dick, my children are amazing, I have a great business that I love. And that affords me tonnes of flexibility. I’m surrounded by amazing women. I pursue several interests that are both challenging and rewarding. I’m happy. And fulfilled. (most of the time)
But. There’s a but…
But I’m also pretty bored. And feeling a bit meh. And looking for something. But I’m not really sure what.
So is this a mid life crisis?
Mid-life crisis defined:
…loss of self-confidence and feeling of anxiety or disappointment that can occur in early middle age.
…a period of doubt and anxiety that some people experience in middle age, when they think about whether their life is the kind of life that they want.
Nope, that’s not really it. I sort of object to this terminology. It’s really cliched and unhelpful.
Maybe it’s more of a transition. And the causes are quite easy to understand…
Aging…
I turned 46 last week. 46 seems like a big number. And yes, aging is a privilege and I’m incredibly grateful for a healthy mind and body. But I am also acutely aware of my greying hair, worsening eyesight and wrinkles. I recently wrote about aging and it seemed to resonate with many of you.
Throw in menopausal hormone imbalances and poor sleep and yeah, let’s just move on cause that’s a whole topic on its own.
Self-identity…
For the last 12 years, one of my main roles has been “mother”. As any mother of young children knows, this role is all-encompassing, it fills every waking moment. But as the children have grown older and more self sufficient this role has shrunk. This is a GOOD thing. Don’t get me wrong. But it leaves a void.
I think part of my current state-of-meh is recognising that there is this void. It isn’t a bad thing. It’s a transition. But it’d be a good idea not to just fill it with espresso martinis.
Pursuit of Happiness
Us humans expect that our income, our status, our jobs will provide significant gratification. Or that they will define our happiness. The problem is we are wrong. We are really bad at understanding the causes of our happiness or unhappiness. Psychologists term this “mis-wanting”, inaccurately predicting how much enjoyment and satisfaction something will bring us.
The other problem is that we expect to be constantly happy. The “search for happiness” is a plague of our generation. It sometimes feels like we are looking for a state of hyper-joy that is difficult to reach and unlikely to be maintained.
Maybe part of this mid-life transition is accepting that contentment is the goal. And realising that striving for more money / more status / a kitchen extension is not the goal.
But then if you’re not striving for more, what are you doing instead? I don’t have the answer. And once again, espresso martinis may seem like the answer. But they are probably not.
So is it a crisis?
Probably not.
Because as I write this I’m thinking. Chris, you are so privileged and you have much to be grateful for. And that’s true. And I recognise this. Other’s experiences may be different: some of you may be feeling a loss of identity because you’re caring for little ones AND older ones in your life. Some of you might be looking at the years spent in an unfulfilling job and wondering if there isn’t a better way. You may be struggling with health issues. You may be going through relationship breakdowns.
So to call my feeling-of-meh a crisis is disproportionate.
But also “mid-life crisis” has such negative connotations of self-indulgent acting out.
Maybe transition is a better word.
Maybe we can just accept and understand that life happens in stages. And going between one stage and another brings an element of re-invention and experimentation. It doesn’t have to be destructive. It could be fun and rewarding.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s feeling a bit lost about “what’s next”.
But this mocked cliché that we don’t ever talk about seriously is unhelpful. Because then we’re going through it in silence and isolation and wondering, wtf is wrong with me. Instead we need support and connection. And understanding that it’s a perfectly normal human reaction to a transition.
So here we go. I’m owning it. My feeling-a-bit-meh-in-my-40s transition… And if my acting out results in an undercut and a few more tattoos while I figure out what next, so what? The great thing about being in my 40s is that I’m not really bothered about other people’s opinions much anymore!
Anyone with me?
