Or how I accidentally bought some bright orange leggings!
After the highs and the stress of last weekend, I unravelled a bit this week…
[ICYMI: I competed in Sheffield, won the gold in my age group in long jump but didn’t jump as far as I’d been hoping.]
Wanna know how I unravelled?
Online shopping…. So many packages turned up. And many times I didn’t even remember that I had bought this stuff.
And there have been a few shockers. Like a halter neck crop top (What am I 12?) And some really, really bright orange leggings that my children have banned me from wearing except at the track or in the garage … (I’m sure you’ll get to see them soon. Cos when have I ever listened to my children?)
Why is this important to share this?
Because excessive online shopping is a sign of emotional dysregulation.
Emotion dysregulation can show up in lots of different ways.
For some of you it may be:
… too much food
… too much drink
… too much work
… too much exercise
… or staying up late scrolling or buying crap online
They are part of the same problem.
An inability to sit with (and deal with) feelings of discomfort or dissatisfaction.
In my case, it was a feeling of dissatisfaction with how the weekend went. Feelings of insecurity ahead of the really big comp in just 4 weeks times. And feeling unsure if I’m ever going to get my big jump.
(Is my training programme effective, am I doing the right things, am I lean enough, am I fast enough?)
Almost anything can trigger emotional dysregulation…
- work stress
- financial worries
- health issues
- relationship struggles
- issues with our self-worth
- arguments with children
- lack of social connections
- overwhelm with our never-ending to do lists.
- It can be big stuff (I don’t feel fulfilled in my job, I’m feeling lonely)
- Or little stuff (I need to write a newsletter, I have to cook, again!).
But the feeling is the same. Discomfort, unease, restlessness, dissatisfaction, overwhelm, sadness, loneliness.
But rather than dealing with the emotion, we head to the biscuit tin. Or to ASOS.
Why?
Because we have learnt over time that eating biscuits will soothe us. And buying leggings makes me feel momentarily happy.
Because doing any of these “soothing activities” will help us numb what’s otherwise going on in our brain.
We have done it many a time before and it kindof works.
At least in the short term… Although the soothing is a very temporary measure and it doesn’t really address what’s going on. And often once our soothing episode is over the emotion we were trying to avoid comes back and is often compounded by other emotions like guilt, shame, embarrassment…
So what to do about it?
- Recognise what you’re doing… Without judging. Without guilting yourself into stopping. Without feeling the need to suppress the emotion. Take a moment to pause.
- Face up to the emotion… What is happening? What am I feeling? Can I name it? What is the root cause?
- Understand that this emotion is being driven by a need… So what is the need? Safety? Security? Validation? A nap? Hint: It’s almost certainly not a need for a bag of Doritos. Nor is it a need for more leggings.
- Find other ways to cope… Other, better, ways to cope could include moving your body, reading a book, journalling, mediation, chatting to a friend, yoga, cooking, maybe for some of us.
- Recognise that sometimes it’s OK to soothe. Just make sure your chosen way to soothe your emotions isn’t totally incongruent to your goals. I’ll be honest… I was semi-aware that I was acting out. But online shopping was a reasonably good coping strategy at the time. Compared to eating my body weight in Doritos, for example. which would have been my preferred route. But shopping bridged the gap between me feeling the need to soothe and me being ready to face up to the root cause…
- Deal with the root cause. In my example, it was quite simple: in the next couple of days I reviewed my jumps objectively, considered my training plan, talked to people I trusted and processed the events of the weekend.
[Wanna know their advice: mostly along the lines of “shut up and wait”! But also with a sprinkling of “enjoy the process, results will follow”.]
Depending on what’s actually driving you to these unhelpful behaviours, you may need time and help to deal with the root cause.
And when you start to unpack why you do certain things,
… why you emotionally eat,
…why you spends hours scrolling instead of going to bed,
…why you reach for a glass of wine at the end of a hectic day,
That’s when you can really and truly start to process these emotions and the feelings of discomfort and start to get rid of these unhelpful coping strategies once and for all!
